BSG: A Brief Course

This one's for Joe Kane.

I like to backup my assertions about science fiction with hard science fact, so here it goes. In June, at a summit of the brightest minds on the face and body of the Earth, on a summit of a mountain, no less, a panel of scientists were asked what would happen in the final season of the television show Battlestar Galatica. After several hours discussion, the scientists admitted they had no clue, but they could guesstimate that it would look like all the worst parts of the Bible, but with a positive spin. Four of the five then voiced their opinion on Trident Gum.

Well, those scientists are about to find out.

This Friday, April 4th, Battlestar returns in its fourth and final season, going down in a blaze of glory after NBC told it to can itself. But Battlestar cannot be canned. Nay, it cannot be contained, because it is the greatest form of entertainment ever since Plato's Cave, and arguably better than that, because even Plato wasn't so high on that concept. It is certainly the best thing you'll ever see, so sit down and listen up.

The producers took a sheet out of LOST's playbook (unfortunately, said sheet didn't have any spoilers) and spliced up all three previous seasons into one eight minute short, found here on YouTube. They actually used the same narrator as the LOST promo, with the same deadpan (thank you, anonymous narrator, for pointing out that papers have no corners in the future).

In the past week, I've taken it upon myself to watch half of the 22 episode long third season, in order to give a full account and be well read, in a sense, before the final opener. So:

FINAL FIVE: The big one. There's twelve Cylon models, we only know seven, blah blah blah - in the previous finale, however, we found out four of the final five: Cheif, Anders, Tori, and Tigh, all of which scream irony, because they are all so vocal about their Cylon hatred. The real question is how Cylony are they? As opposed to many copies, there seems to be only one of each. In D'Anna's vision of the Final Five, they seemed more like demigods than Cylon brethren. So, yes, they're still good. They're meant to lead the humans to Earth.

FINAL FIFTH: The really big one. There's still one Cylon left, and undoubtedly he/she/it is the trump card of fate. I'm ruling out Adama - possibly Roslin, the dying president, merely because she is that dying leader who will take her people to the promised land. Sounds like someone's fulfilling their fate/programming...but the next robot is certainly not Starbuck.

STARBUCK: Not dead. Even though she died in the latter half of season three, she came back at the end, during the crescendo of Dylan's All Along the Watchtower (because, obviously, that's the Cylon theme song). She promised she had been to Earth, and would take the humans to their new home. Is she the fifth Cylon? Certainly not. Too easy. No, we're getting into some sort of metaphysical territory here. Angel/Spirit/Super intelligent shade of blue?

EARTH: Last shot of the last episode was that of Earth, or more specifically, America, because that's pretty much Earth in a nutshell. What time period will it be when the fleet arrives? Hopefully not present day, because that would be a cheese factory, and would only serve to date and hamper the Greatest Show on Earth (Not Under a Big Top). I think it will be primordial Earth, and the fleet will serve as our ancestors. Or something along those lines.

EVERYONE ELSE: Baltar's now a cult leader, Apollo's now a civilian, Adama and Roslin are now about to hook up like old people, and Helo's even yet still awesome.

MANNIE FRESH: As with LOST, rumors of a guest appearance as the Fifth have proven not 

true, and so with small powers of deduction one can assume he will not be performing his hit single, "Real Big," with all the pimps and hos of the fleet.

Friday, April 4th. Be there, or be a Cylon collaborator. And we wouldn't want that.

LOST: Now With References To The Muppets

Did anyone else notice how much Frank Lapidis, helicopter pilot, looks like Sam the Eagle? Especially, when he talks about the universally feared and respected anger of the Captain? All I could think of, watching him, was the speech First Mate Samuel Arrow, played by Sam the Eagle, delivered to the cabin boys in Muppet Treasure Island, concerning Captain Smollett, also known as Kermit the Frog:

The man is a raging volcano, with inner demons the likes of mere mortals cannot fathom.

The name of the freighter's captain, Captain Gault, even recalls Smollett a little (also, John Galt, who built a isolated paradise, away from the corrupt world, of various geniuses, in Atlas Shrugged. But don't read it). It is from the Captain that we learn that is indeed Ben who launched the cover up, planting a fake plane and three hundred plus bodies at the bottom of the ocean. Something like that must have cost more than War of the Worlds. Maybe money does in fact grow on trees on this particular island.

What's up with Regina? I say, the sickness that infected Rousseau's people. If you will remember, all of Rousseau's French friends went crazy after a few months on the island. At first, I thought this was Existentialism, but after seeing Regina jump off a boat, covered in chains like the ghost of Jacob and Robert Marley (they're brothers in the Muppet version), I think that maybe the French got a little cabin fever, too.

For further parallels between LOST and the Muppets, see the Treasure Island song, Cabin Fever.

I want to come forward immediately and say I do not appreciate being trifled with. The mix of flashbacks and flashforwards, with no apparent reason but to mislead the viewer, feels a little underhanded. I admit, I was sore afterwards, and not because I fell down or anything. However, Taylor the Architect, with whom I watched the episode, said he saw the ending coming (which I didn't), because he was anticipating being screwed with. Let's face it: everyone is expecting LOST to trick us more and more. This is what happened to M. Night Shyamalan; people came to his movies expecting to get a twist ending, and so in thinking about it, they eventually realized the ending before it came, and walked out of the theater hating the movie. With this episode, I feel like the producers and declaring war on the audience, in the way that Englishmen used to declare war: with the idea that war is much more diverting than peace. They're saying, we dare you to guess at where we're going next. And I love it.

Obviously, in a writer's room meeting, some random hand stood up and said, "Jin is becoming way too good of a person. He's almost fully worked through all his emotional problems, and his relationship with Sun is becoming dangerously healthy. So, he has to go." Jin is one of the best characters on the show, the man who always does the right thing - someone so functional cannot last long on a show known for its complex and conflicted characters. So, he's getting offed. When? In the next three weeks, showtime. Juliet said that Sun had to get off the island in three weeks. Jin, along with Claire, can be assumed to be those two who, according to the official story, survived the crash but not long enough to be rescued. Might the captain's inner demons, which the likes of mere mortals cannot fathom, get him?

And, yes, Claire will die. Charlie sacrificed himself because of a vision that involved her getting onto a chopper - she does not stay on the island. And for a mother to give up her child, some enormous force would have to play a part, like, say, death. My guess is it is Claire's death that sends Sayid over the edge, to work with Ben.

Does it make me a bad person that I felt a bit of joy in the last flashback scene? Between Hurley flying across the largest ocean in the world to be a substitute father figure, if only temporarily, and Sun weeping over Jin's grave, it gave me a bit of hope that yes, the people on the island are capable of love, and not just the type of love that involves a triangle.

Oh yeah, and Michael is the man on the boat. But that was kind of obvious.

IN OTHER NEWS, no one will be nice to Dan (give him a break, islanders), Bernard proves he has a purpose by acting as the token old man wisdom, Juliet is a cold hearted broad, and Jin's flashback music flourishes makes it more material for a children's comedy than a prime time drama about time travel.

So, does this mean the Oceanic Six are set? Jack, Kate, Sayid, Sun, Hurley, and Aaron? As for me, I'm not done fighting for Locke. I say Aaron doesn't count. I mean, who among that grouping of people wouldn't have anyone come to their funeral? Someone needs to be universally hated to get that treatment, and so I'm not done pushing Locke.

As I understand it, next week's episode will be the last until late April, so put on a hat and then hold onto said hat tightly, because, to be sure, it will attempt to trip you up, and will inevitably sucker punch you with information like, rapper Mannie Fresh is actually the smoke monster.

LOST: A Brief Course

As everyone in the world knows, because the Pope himself announced (I heard it in person - I'm in Rome, you know), the new season of LOST will be able to be seen from outer space. I'm not sure in what capacity, but he is inerrant. And I don't really care, either, because if aliens  haven't yet made contact, LOST is how I want them to first experience humanity. They'll be so confused they won't bother attacking us.

So I'm here to spread the gospel, and call all ye to watch it return January 31. If you only have 8:15, go download the "LOST in 8:15" on iTunes for free (8:15, flight 815, ha ha, they're so clever). It gives a quick rundown of all the important events with some dry narration ("Mr. Friendly throws like a girl.") It even mentions some things I had forgotten, as if pertinent to the new season. It said nothing, though, of Richard's supposed immortality.

If you have more time, watch the entire third season. On fast forward.

Here are some points to review:

RESCUED: So at the end of the third season, rescue is on it's way, and by the looks of the previews, it arrives immediately. The question is, then, how are the next three seasons going to be filled? There are three more seasons to go; will the show turn to a Big Brother type, and put everyone in a house together, and play it as comedy?

FLASHFORWARD: I have read that all the flashbacks LOST is so famous for will now be flash forwards. So...how will a story work if we know the ending? And what about all the favorite flashback characters, like Nathan Fillon and Cheech? (P.S. The funeral Jack attended - Locke's. Locke would be the least likely to survive off island, and it would just be ironic if he was one of those who left.)

NAOMI: NOT dead. If you slow down the trailer, you can clearly see her strangling Kate. She's pretty, and has a hot accent, so my guess is she'll be the shady figure in this upcoming season, alternately helping and hindering those who are lost.

LOST's premise is people on an island, so any chance you have to incorporate new blood, you need to take it. Second season it was the tail-enders, third season it was the others. They tried to call up two extras to join those on the beach, but audience reaction was so completely negative that the two, Nikki and Paolo, got their own episode. About their death.

RICHARD: Seen in Ben's flashback, he never grows old. And seeing how Ben grew old, I think this means that Richard is immortal. My question: Is Richard Jacob? Jacob, the supposed ruler of the island, seems trapped by Ben. Maybe Richard is some enslaved materialization, a body stolen from the crashed pirate ship.

MANNIE FRESH: The rapper will not be appearing on the show, as rumored, as one of the new rescue teammates, and thus will not be performing his hit single, "Real Big," with all the pimps and hos of the beach. Among the disappointed, I count myself.

So there it is. I crave LOST like Italians crave dance, like I crave dance, so I'll be watching it ASAP, which will probably mean February first. So don't tell me what happens.