One Marked Hero Down, Two to Go

Pope Benedict XVI declared yesterday a worldwide holiday, as it marked the first day that Heroes fans have been free of Alejandro, the South American suave who's power was preventing one other hero to use her power. That in itself sounds pretty limiting, but when coupled with the fact that the other hero's power is crying, you begin to feel really good he's dead. Hopefully, Maya and West will also meet his safe fate (shanked with a razor) next week.

Sadly, I think that Kristen Bell will kick the bucket as well, when she gets pushed into some body of water by that cheerleader.

I'm starting to feel like Heroes is the child that I don't want to see faults in, but in a few years is going to either be in jail for hustling or be in my basement because they have no where else to go. There are so many problems, even after Tim Kring swore he would never sin again. One, two, three...no, two, only two main heroes are involved in saving the world this time. And you'd think when Peter and Hiro faced off in a battle it would be awesome, but it's facing up to look like a middle school fight behind the big tree.

Nikki and Micah's season finale? To steal a comic book back from some street thugs. And, let's face it, what good is Micah's cousin? Why do I care? Or rather, why should I care, because I don't. Claire's entire life has faded into a melodrama. And the part that's shaping up to be good (aka Adam Morton and the mysteries of the Company) is overshadowed by Peter's lack of logic: his refusal to question Adam and the idea that somehow by stopping the virus Catlin will magically appear.

In other news, heads cannot be regenerated, both Hiro's and Peter's power does not include the power of reasoning, Claire's plan to destroy the Company includes a press conference, and Sylar is a network appointed hitman.

Teasers for the season finale (already?) announced two main heroes will die. My money? Nathan Petrelli and Kristen Bell. After Maya and West, of course.

Comprehensive SciFi Rundown

Steve, my apologies. It's been a good deal over a week now, and you've had no updates. So I'll give you the Cliff Notes version.

Heroes: HRG dies, HRG comes back to life, Mohinder is a terrible field operative, secret or not, Kristen Bell was mishandled as a child (ambiguous?), West is now creepy in a winning sort of way, and Adam Morton is trying to kil everyone...but that's kind of obvious.

Mass Effect: Greatest story ever told (yes, Jesus appeared), shortest Bioware game ever told (if you hold the run button continuously), worst vehicle combat ever experienced. Okay, that last one was not true, I just put it in there for purposes of flow.

Battlestar: Admiral Cain was a lesbian, Commander Adama was the person to discover the organic Cylon project, the Cyclon's god is actually destroyed by an American nuke. Or Caprican, but those two are basically interchangeable.

Specifics, you say? Heroes is steadily climbing upward. There's only two episodes left, and since the series has done nothing but gain steam, I'm assuming that the series finale is actually going to be in 3D, like Beowulf, but this time it will actually grab you but the throat and make you cry tears of black that kills the rest of your housemates. I have to say Battlestar was kind of a letdown. It was pretty much two episodes put together, and if these two episodes occurred in season, they would have been spectacular. However, since I've waited six months for this, and have carved "RAZOR" into the floorboards under my bed, I'm kind of ticked that nothing amazing happened. In all seriousness, I expected a revelation of series finale caliber, some sort of dramatic irony that we could carry into the fourth season, which we know, yet no characters do.

I have declared that Thanksgiving from now on will be called ThanksMassEffect. My Monday night happened just the way I planned it, and, wouldn't you know it, the batteries and Arizona Iced Tea lasted until Friday, when I finally defeated Saren and the Reapers. Using my comprehensive knowledge of video games (I own three) I will rate this game 956 moose out of a thousand possible moose (if you didn't know, the Moose Grading System, or MGS, is the next big thing in terms of scales. It's all the rage in Europe). Pluses: great story, great graphics, American; minuses: short game, a very bad vehicle, a few accents.

Heroes: Back to the Future!

Apparently Tim Kring has finally started to get the ball rolling, linking together two consecutive non-sucky episodes. This episode jumped four months into the past, tracing Peter's life, as well as parts of Nathan's, Nikki's, and the twins' (however, it's becoming more and more apparent that the twins are on their way out, and will probably kick the bucket in the next two episodes, as Sylar takes their power and then cries tears of emo).

So Peter exploded, regenerated super fast, and then rescued his falling big brother, all in, say, thirty seconds. It was a new record for that sort of thing. Nathan goes to the hospital to get the Anakin Skywalker treatment (that's what I would request, in his position) and Peter goes off to find non-nuclear clothes, because clothes wrapped around a nuclear bomb turn gray when the bomb goes off. Then Elle zaps him, proceeds to look hot and flirts like a woman with no father.

Elle's secret? She's homeschooled. The explanation for her sadistic mind set and her yearning for a affection can be traced to the fact that she is homeschooled. Or at least that's the explanation we have now. Homeschoolers, while having a serious lack of social skills, are not usually known for being ruthless killers or femme fatale (which is French for "fatal Kristen Bell"). This calls Bob's parenting skills into question.

In other news, the Hatian knows his real power is being mysterious, Angela Petrelli's power may be persuasion, apparently no one cares if you shoot someone in a night club, apparently no one cares if D.L. is shot, Nikki is a line of Barbie dolls (this one being Hollywood Vagrant Barbie), and West is possibly dead, which I assume because he wasn't in the episode.

Right now I'm cheering for two things: for the twins to die a slow and painful death (but offscreen, so when I watch it it will be quick and painless), and for Elle to find everlasting happiness. Hopefully both of those will happen next week, and perferably in one stroke.

Heroes creator boycotts show

So Tim Kring, creator of Heroes, came crawling back to his fan base on his knees while simultaneously picketing outside of the Heroes studio. Apparently he has super powers, too.

Actually, Kring is striking with the writers, but he did pour out apologizes on top of apologizes for the way the first section of Heroes turned out. In an interview with EW, the entertainment equivalent of the oracle at Delphi, he admitted to all of the flaws that Steve and I pointed out (inter-five, Steve). Among the concessions:

1) Slow start, lack of action, illegal immigrants
2) Sucky powers of the illegal immigrants
3) A soap opera within a show, taking place in Japan
4) A real creeper named West
5) Not enough Kristen Bell

Kring did assure EW and his ego that having dealt with the problems, the show would now get back to its apocalyptic roots; more action, less romance, and no more twins. Yes; Kring made some not so subtle comments, saying that a few of the new heroes would be exiting shortly. I can only hope their death is as painful as their powers.

Some important news was revealed, as Kring said that the Dec. 3 episode has been modified to act as a season finale (uh, excuse me, volume finale), in light of the writers strike. Here's to a third issue with no more high school.

Heroes is the Dollar General equivalent to Lost

Yes, I think if we can all agree that Heroes is, in fact, the Dollar General equivalent to Lost (which might be, say, Target), then we can enjoy the show that much more. In fact, if we graded all television by this, it would all be much more enjoyable. Battlestar Galatica would be Wal-Mart, and Stargate would be the Dollar Tree, where each item costs exactly the same. Yet I digress.

Heroes, despite being the Dollar General brand, was actually okay last night. It took several months for the producers to put forth another episode that didn't suck, but they managed to do it, ironically after the WGA strike. Maybe they were hoarding their good scripts.

Yes, Heroes finally brought both the storylines and the timelines together, making a much more interesting show than the "Hiro Nakamura Variety Hour." Plus, there were no twins OR road trips involved, and therefore no one's power sucked. Bad. The twins' power sucks bad.

Hiro's adventure wrapped nicely, despite an ending that has appeared in numerous westerns and, before that, epic poems so old that no one knows who wrote them. Sometimes, I like to write myself into the show, whenever it moves slow, and during the duel between Hiro and Kensei I wrote myself in as a character who appears and punches both samurai in the face. But, when it comes to Heroes, I've learned to forget the bad (because there's so much) and focus on the good. Hiro's back in the present. And...um...oh yeah, Takezo Kensei is freaking Adam Morton! And here I was insulting the plot lines of Heroes.

In other news, Mohinder is a terrible double-agent, Matt became a man (in a single episode), Peter left his girlfriend in the post-apocolypic future, HRG came close to beating his children, and West is still a creeper. Actually, West might have creeped further than he's ever creeped before.

Next week is the obligatory time warp episode, which I can't knock, because precedent has shown that these are the best episodes. Cross our fingers for more Kristen Bell.

Let's hope that the story surrounding the company, Adam Morton, and all those mystery thingies return. And let's hope Kristen Bell returns.