Comprehensive SciFi Rundown

Steve, my apologies. It's been a good deal over a week now, and you've had no updates. So I'll give you the Cliff Notes version.

Heroes: HRG dies, HRG comes back to life, Mohinder is a terrible field operative, secret or not, Kristen Bell was mishandled as a child (ambiguous?), West is now creepy in a winning sort of way, and Adam Morton is trying to kil everyone...but that's kind of obvious.

Mass Effect: Greatest story ever told (yes, Jesus appeared), shortest Bioware game ever told (if you hold the run button continuously), worst vehicle combat ever experienced. Okay, that last one was not true, I just put it in there for purposes of flow.

Battlestar: Admiral Cain was a lesbian, Commander Adama was the person to discover the organic Cylon project, the Cyclon's god is actually destroyed by an American nuke. Or Caprican, but those two are basically interchangeable.

Specifics, you say? Heroes is steadily climbing upward. There's only two episodes left, and since the series has done nothing but gain steam, I'm assuming that the series finale is actually going to be in 3D, like Beowulf, but this time it will actually grab you but the throat and make you cry tears of black that kills the rest of your housemates. I have to say Battlestar was kind of a letdown. It was pretty much two episodes put together, and if these two episodes occurred in season, they would have been spectacular. However, since I've waited six months for this, and have carved "RAZOR" into the floorboards under my bed, I'm kind of ticked that nothing amazing happened. In all seriousness, I expected a revelation of series finale caliber, some sort of dramatic irony that we could carry into the fourth season, which we know, yet no characters do.

I have declared that Thanksgiving from now on will be called ThanksMassEffect. My Monday night happened just the way I planned it, and, wouldn't you know it, the batteries and Arizona Iced Tea lasted until Friday, when I finally defeated Saren and the Reapers. Using my comprehensive knowledge of video games (I own three) I will rate this game 956 moose out of a thousand possible moose (if you didn't know, the Moose Grading System, or MGS, is the next big thing in terms of scales. It's all the rage in Europe). Pluses: great story, great graphics, American; minuses: short game, a very bad vehicle, a few accents.

Mass Effect attains Baller Status

After weeks of going Gold, Silver and Myrrh, Mass Effect has finally attained Baller Status.

Mass Effect, which releases on Tuesday, is a magnificent space-opera-role-playing-game-reincarnation-of-the-messiah-of-the-console-(aka Phantasy Star Online)-game-America-game. But I'm assuming you already know that, because if you didn't and you're here, you probably took a wrong turn after Google Maps. Look how much good that did you. (Actually, if you're here, just plain jane here, you probably took a wrong turn at Google Maps, too. Except you, Steve.)

Baller Status is an acheivement, like the Gold standard of video games, given prior to the release of media or an event. It is a most coveted award, as in the history of the world it has only been given thrice: for Danny Boyle's Sunshine, for Zachary Quinto's turn as Spock in the J.J. Abram's Star Trek, and for Jesus's return. As of this writing, none of those have happened yet.

So for several months now I have been planning the Monday night before Thanksgiving: I will go to Wal-Mart, and at midnight I will walk off with a copy of Mass Effect, batteries for the Xbox360 controler, and a gallon of Arizona Iced Tea. In fact, I assume next Monday night will be the exact same the world over, except for Singapore, who banned the game, because of a love scene with a genderless alien (?). I say, there's no problems with small doses of asexual alien love (?).

Okay, I'll admit, really awkward space sex makes me rather uncomfortable, but my mother ruled that I cannot marry anyone born above the Mason Dixon Line, and I think the planet Asari falls above said line. And I think that if anything, the bravery it takes to get banned in Singapore (think of the market they'll lose) only merits Baller Status even more.

Battlestar + Mass Effect =

I like to backup many of my assertions about science fiction with hard science fact, and so here it is. Back in June, scientists fielded an impromtu question about the results of combining the greatest television show ever, Battlestar Galatica, with what will prove to be the greatest video game, Mass Effect. After several minutes of whispering, the scientists answered that they did not know, but they guesstimated that it might look like look like all the worst parts of the Bible, but with a positive spin. Four of the five then voiced their opinion on Trident gum.

Well, these scientists are about to find out.

Battlestar Galatica and Mass Effect are like the two hottest kids in school, who realize their position and agree that there's no other option than to start dating. In a move that the Bible predicts will trumpet the second coming of Jesus, Mass Effect is funding big screen showings of the new Battlestar movie, Battlestar: Razor, in several cities around the states.

There are so many things I want to say, I just don't know in what order to put them. Relevance? Importance? Alphabetical?

First, there are only two things that could improve Battlestar: like the Sith, no more, no less. One, if Kristen Bell joined the cast, but two, if it could be seen on a gigantic screen and receive the grandeur that it deserves (and if Gaeta came out of the closet; that would just be ironic).

Second, Mass Effect is the godsend of games, coming just in time to save console gaming from imminent death. You may say, console gaming is no where near imminent death. Well, after you see the new levels of gaming Mass Effect unlocks (with no cheat codes), you will remember this time we're living in as the brink of a gaming famine. Some diplomats discussed sending Mass Effect to Africa, but then decided against it, citing that without any world problems they wouldn't have jobs.

Third, in case you haven't been watching (and I'm talking to you, Steve, since you're the only one reading), the Battlestar webisodes have been blazing a virtual trail that has shut down servers and served justice to several internet criminals in the past couple of weeks. I'm talking about the two minute pieces concerning a young (and blue eyed?) Adama, as he carries out his first mission, beats a Cylon to death, and discovers the cast of the 1978 Battlestar Galatica, along with their Cylon model battlebots. Is that Leoben behind the mysterious, blood covered door? Steve, you and I will have to wait until Friday to find out.

Hopefully there's a crossover project planned for sometime late next year, where you get to save humanity as Helo and sucker punch Felix Gaeta (Cylon sympathetic trout!).