One Marked Hero Down, Two to Go

Pope Benedict XVI declared yesterday a worldwide holiday, as it marked the first day that Heroes fans have been free of Alejandro, the South American suave who's power was preventing one other hero to use her power. That in itself sounds pretty limiting, but when coupled with the fact that the other hero's power is crying, you begin to feel really good he's dead. Hopefully, Maya and West will also meet his safe fate (shanked with a razor) next week.

Sadly, I think that Kristen Bell will kick the bucket as well, when she gets pushed into some body of water by that cheerleader.

I'm starting to feel like Heroes is the child that I don't want to see faults in, but in a few years is going to either be in jail for hustling or be in my basement because they have no where else to go. There are so many problems, even after Tim Kring swore he would never sin again. One, two, three...no, two, only two main heroes are involved in saving the world this time. And you'd think when Peter and Hiro faced off in a battle it would be awesome, but it's facing up to look like a middle school fight behind the big tree.

Nikki and Micah's season finale? To steal a comic book back from some street thugs. And, let's face it, what good is Micah's cousin? Why do I care? Or rather, why should I care, because I don't. Claire's entire life has faded into a melodrama. And the part that's shaping up to be good (aka Adam Morton and the mysteries of the Company) is overshadowed by Peter's lack of logic: his refusal to question Adam and the idea that somehow by stopping the virus Catlin will magically appear.

In other news, heads cannot be regenerated, both Hiro's and Peter's power does not include the power of reasoning, Claire's plan to destroy the Company includes a press conference, and Sylar is a network appointed hitman.

Teasers for the season finale (already?) announced two main heroes will die. My money? Nathan Petrelli and Kristen Bell. After Maya and West, of course.

Heroes: Back to the Future!

Apparently Tim Kring has finally started to get the ball rolling, linking together two consecutive non-sucky episodes. This episode jumped four months into the past, tracing Peter's life, as well as parts of Nathan's, Nikki's, and the twins' (however, it's becoming more and more apparent that the twins are on their way out, and will probably kick the bucket in the next two episodes, as Sylar takes their power and then cries tears of emo).

So Peter exploded, regenerated super fast, and then rescued his falling big brother, all in, say, thirty seconds. It was a new record for that sort of thing. Nathan goes to the hospital to get the Anakin Skywalker treatment (that's what I would request, in his position) and Peter goes off to find non-nuclear clothes, because clothes wrapped around a nuclear bomb turn gray when the bomb goes off. Then Elle zaps him, proceeds to look hot and flirts like a woman with no father.

Elle's secret? She's homeschooled. The explanation for her sadistic mind set and her yearning for a affection can be traced to the fact that she is homeschooled. Or at least that's the explanation we have now. Homeschoolers, while having a serious lack of social skills, are not usually known for being ruthless killers or femme fatale (which is French for "fatal Kristen Bell"). This calls Bob's parenting skills into question.

In other news, the Hatian knows his real power is being mysterious, Angela Petrelli's power may be persuasion, apparently no one cares if you shoot someone in a night club, apparently no one cares if D.L. is shot, Nikki is a line of Barbie dolls (this one being Hollywood Vagrant Barbie), and West is possibly dead, which I assume because he wasn't in the episode.

Right now I'm cheering for two things: for the twins to die a slow and painful death (but offscreen, so when I watch it it will be quick and painless), and for Elle to find everlasting happiness. Hopefully both of those will happen next week, and perferably in one stroke.

Battlestar + Mass Effect =

I like to backup many of my assertions about science fiction with hard science fact, and so here it is. Back in June, scientists fielded an impromtu question about the results of combining the greatest television show ever, Battlestar Galatica, with what will prove to be the greatest video game, Mass Effect. After several minutes of whispering, the scientists answered that they did not know, but they guesstimated that it might look like look like all the worst parts of the Bible, but with a positive spin. Four of the five then voiced their opinion on Trident gum.

Well, these scientists are about to find out.

Battlestar Galatica and Mass Effect are like the two hottest kids in school, who realize their position and agree that there's no other option than to start dating. In a move that the Bible predicts will trumpet the second coming of Jesus, Mass Effect is funding big screen showings of the new Battlestar movie, Battlestar: Razor, in several cities around the states.

There are so many things I want to say, I just don't know in what order to put them. Relevance? Importance? Alphabetical?

First, there are only two things that could improve Battlestar: like the Sith, no more, no less. One, if Kristen Bell joined the cast, but two, if it could be seen on a gigantic screen and receive the grandeur that it deserves (and if Gaeta came out of the closet; that would just be ironic).

Second, Mass Effect is the godsend of games, coming just in time to save console gaming from imminent death. You may say, console gaming is no where near imminent death. Well, after you see the new levels of gaming Mass Effect unlocks (with no cheat codes), you will remember this time we're living in as the brink of a gaming famine. Some diplomats discussed sending Mass Effect to Africa, but then decided against it, citing that without any world problems they wouldn't have jobs.

Third, in case you haven't been watching (and I'm talking to you, Steve, since you're the only one reading), the Battlestar webisodes have been blazing a virtual trail that has shut down servers and served justice to several internet criminals in the past couple of weeks. I'm talking about the two minute pieces concerning a young (and blue eyed?) Adama, as he carries out his first mission, beats a Cylon to death, and discovers the cast of the 1978 Battlestar Galatica, along with their Cylon model battlebots. Is that Leoben behind the mysterious, blood covered door? Steve, you and I will have to wait until Friday to find out.

Hopefully there's a crossover project planned for sometime late next year, where you get to save humanity as Helo and sucker punch Felix Gaeta (Cylon sympathetic trout!).

Heroes is the Dollar General equivalent to Lost

Yes, I think if we can all agree that Heroes is, in fact, the Dollar General equivalent to Lost (which might be, say, Target), then we can enjoy the show that much more. In fact, if we graded all television by this, it would all be much more enjoyable. Battlestar Galatica would be Wal-Mart, and Stargate would be the Dollar Tree, where each item costs exactly the same. Yet I digress.

Heroes, despite being the Dollar General brand, was actually okay last night. It took several months for the producers to put forth another episode that didn't suck, but they managed to do it, ironically after the WGA strike. Maybe they were hoarding their good scripts.

Yes, Heroes finally brought both the storylines and the timelines together, making a much more interesting show than the "Hiro Nakamura Variety Hour." Plus, there were no twins OR road trips involved, and therefore no one's power sucked. Bad. The twins' power sucks bad.

Hiro's adventure wrapped nicely, despite an ending that has appeared in numerous westerns and, before that, epic poems so old that no one knows who wrote them. Sometimes, I like to write myself into the show, whenever it moves slow, and during the duel between Hiro and Kensei I wrote myself in as a character who appears and punches both samurai in the face. But, when it comes to Heroes, I've learned to forget the bad (because there's so much) and focus on the good. Hiro's back in the present. And...um...oh yeah, Takezo Kensei is freaking Adam Morton! And here I was insulting the plot lines of Heroes.

In other news, Mohinder is a terrible double-agent, Matt became a man (in a single episode), Peter left his girlfriend in the post-apocolypic future, HRG came close to beating his children, and West is still a creeper. Actually, West might have creeped further than he's ever creeped before.

Next week is the obligatory time warp episode, which I can't knock, because precedent has shown that these are the best episodes. Cross our fingers for more Kristen Bell.

Let's hope that the story surrounding the company, Adam Morton, and all those mystery thingies return. And let's hope Kristen Bell returns.