One Marked Hero Down, Two to Go

Pope Benedict XVI declared yesterday a worldwide holiday, as it marked the first day that Heroes fans have been free of Alejandro, the South American suave who's power was preventing one other hero to use her power. That in itself sounds pretty limiting, but when coupled with the fact that the other hero's power is crying, you begin to feel really good he's dead. Hopefully, Maya and West will also meet his safe fate (shanked with a razor) next week.

Sadly, I think that Kristen Bell will kick the bucket as well, when she gets pushed into some body of water by that cheerleader.

I'm starting to feel like Heroes is the child that I don't want to see faults in, but in a few years is going to either be in jail for hustling or be in my basement because they have no where else to go. There are so many problems, even after Tim Kring swore he would never sin again. One, two, three...no, two, only two main heroes are involved in saving the world this time. And you'd think when Peter and Hiro faced off in a battle it would be awesome, but it's facing up to look like a middle school fight behind the big tree.

Nikki and Micah's season finale? To steal a comic book back from some street thugs. And, let's face it, what good is Micah's cousin? Why do I care? Or rather, why should I care, because I don't. Claire's entire life has faded into a melodrama. And the part that's shaping up to be good (aka Adam Morton and the mysteries of the Company) is overshadowed by Peter's lack of logic: his refusal to question Adam and the idea that somehow by stopping the virus Catlin will magically appear.

In other news, heads cannot be regenerated, both Hiro's and Peter's power does not include the power of reasoning, Claire's plan to destroy the Company includes a press conference, and Sylar is a network appointed hitman.

Teasers for the season finale (already?) announced two main heroes will die. My money? Nathan Petrelli and Kristen Bell. After Maya and West, of course.

Comprehensive SciFi Rundown

Steve, my apologies. It's been a good deal over a week now, and you've had no updates. So I'll give you the Cliff Notes version.

Heroes: HRG dies, HRG comes back to life, Mohinder is a terrible field operative, secret or not, Kristen Bell was mishandled as a child (ambiguous?), West is now creepy in a winning sort of way, and Adam Morton is trying to kil everyone...but that's kind of obvious.

Mass Effect: Greatest story ever told (yes, Jesus appeared), shortest Bioware game ever told (if you hold the run button continuously), worst vehicle combat ever experienced. Okay, that last one was not true, I just put it in there for purposes of flow.

Battlestar: Admiral Cain was a lesbian, Commander Adama was the person to discover the organic Cylon project, the Cyclon's god is actually destroyed by an American nuke. Or Caprican, but those two are basically interchangeable.

Specifics, you say? Heroes is steadily climbing upward. There's only two episodes left, and since the series has done nothing but gain steam, I'm assuming that the series finale is actually going to be in 3D, like Beowulf, but this time it will actually grab you but the throat and make you cry tears of black that kills the rest of your housemates. I have to say Battlestar was kind of a letdown. It was pretty much two episodes put together, and if these two episodes occurred in season, they would have been spectacular. However, since I've waited six months for this, and have carved "RAZOR" into the floorboards under my bed, I'm kind of ticked that nothing amazing happened. In all seriousness, I expected a revelation of series finale caliber, some sort of dramatic irony that we could carry into the fourth season, which we know, yet no characters do.

I have declared that Thanksgiving from now on will be called ThanksMassEffect. My Monday night happened just the way I planned it, and, wouldn't you know it, the batteries and Arizona Iced Tea lasted until Friday, when I finally defeated Saren and the Reapers. Using my comprehensive knowledge of video games (I own three) I will rate this game 956 moose out of a thousand possible moose (if you didn't know, the Moose Grading System, or MGS, is the next big thing in terms of scales. It's all the rage in Europe). Pluses: great story, great graphics, American; minuses: short game, a very bad vehicle, a few accents.

Mass Effect attains Baller Status

After weeks of going Gold, Silver and Myrrh, Mass Effect has finally attained Baller Status.

Mass Effect, which releases on Tuesday, is a magnificent space-opera-role-playing-game-reincarnation-of-the-messiah-of-the-console-(aka Phantasy Star Online)-game-America-game. But I'm assuming you already know that, because if you didn't and you're here, you probably took a wrong turn after Google Maps. Look how much good that did you. (Actually, if you're here, just plain jane here, you probably took a wrong turn at Google Maps, too. Except you, Steve.)

Baller Status is an acheivement, like the Gold standard of video games, given prior to the release of media or an event. It is a most coveted award, as in the history of the world it has only been given thrice: for Danny Boyle's Sunshine, for Zachary Quinto's turn as Spock in the J.J. Abram's Star Trek, and for Jesus's return. As of this writing, none of those have happened yet.

So for several months now I have been planning the Monday night before Thanksgiving: I will go to Wal-Mart, and at midnight I will walk off with a copy of Mass Effect, batteries for the Xbox360 controler, and a gallon of Arizona Iced Tea. In fact, I assume next Monday night will be the exact same the world over, except for Singapore, who banned the game, because of a love scene with a genderless alien (?). I say, there's no problems with small doses of asexual alien love (?).

Okay, I'll admit, really awkward space sex makes me rather uncomfortable, but my mother ruled that I cannot marry anyone born above the Mason Dixon Line, and I think the planet Asari falls above said line. And I think that if anything, the bravery it takes to get banned in Singapore (think of the market they'll lose) only merits Baller Status even more.

Heroes: Back to the Future!

Apparently Tim Kring has finally started to get the ball rolling, linking together two consecutive non-sucky episodes. This episode jumped four months into the past, tracing Peter's life, as well as parts of Nathan's, Nikki's, and the twins' (however, it's becoming more and more apparent that the twins are on their way out, and will probably kick the bucket in the next two episodes, as Sylar takes their power and then cries tears of emo).

So Peter exploded, regenerated super fast, and then rescued his falling big brother, all in, say, thirty seconds. It was a new record for that sort of thing. Nathan goes to the hospital to get the Anakin Skywalker treatment (that's what I would request, in his position) and Peter goes off to find non-nuclear clothes, because clothes wrapped around a nuclear bomb turn gray when the bomb goes off. Then Elle zaps him, proceeds to look hot and flirts like a woman with no father.

Elle's secret? She's homeschooled. The explanation for her sadistic mind set and her yearning for a affection can be traced to the fact that she is homeschooled. Or at least that's the explanation we have now. Homeschoolers, while having a serious lack of social skills, are not usually known for being ruthless killers or femme fatale (which is French for "fatal Kristen Bell"). This calls Bob's parenting skills into question.

In other news, the Hatian knows his real power is being mysterious, Angela Petrelli's power may be persuasion, apparently no one cares if you shoot someone in a night club, apparently no one cares if D.L. is shot, Nikki is a line of Barbie dolls (this one being Hollywood Vagrant Barbie), and West is possibly dead, which I assume because he wasn't in the episode.

Right now I'm cheering for two things: for the twins to die a slow and painful death (but offscreen, so when I watch it it will be quick and painless), and for Elle to find everlasting happiness. Hopefully both of those will happen next week, and perferably in one stroke.

Crewing aboard the Terminella

I read a short story once about a group of space truckers who were flying their cargo (literally, billions of washer rings) from planet to planet on a very old ship, the Terminella. The ship was so old that a certain pressure valve consistently malfunctioned and endangered the crew, every four or so days. Whenever a malfunction occured, an alarm would go off and the crew members would run frantically around, waving their arms about, and making a great hoopla over a situation that was solved by simply releasing the pressure, via a very large red button on the computer. Since the ship was old, every time the valve would malfunction and the alarm would go off, the crew would cross their fingers, close their eyes, and pray to their Jesus before pushing the button, thinking that this time may be the time the button doesn't work.

Pretty much the hub-bub was all for nothing, as the computer ran the ship, and controlled the pressure. But this whole routine really irked the computer, named (ironically) ST.EV.E. In fact, one day he grew so tired of the great theatrical fuss that he didn't release the pressure when told, and allowed the Terminella to explode. The End.

Generally in everyone's life there are things that we fret about unceasingly, that might or might not be under our control. In my anxious times, usually in the worst parts, I pray that God will solve the problem/save the day/find my keys, and wait. And - if you believe in this sort of thing - He usually does.

Right now I (as I'm sure all of my readers, aka Steve and the person reading over Steve's shoulder) have a worry, a malfuncitoning pressure valve that threatens to build up steam, uncap and seriously explode different parts of my life. And I insist on actively sweating these situations out. I'm not sure, but I think God has a pretty good track record:

1) He finds my keys.
2) He keeps me from wrecking.
3) He defeated the British in the American Revolution and the War of 1812.
4) He takes care of the birds.

There's a difference between the lesson that God will prevail upon my issues and the application, but I know that while God will never pull a ST.EV.E. (ornery is not one of His attributes), I cannot live my life waving my hands over my head in angst.

Heroes creator boycotts show

So Tim Kring, creator of Heroes, came crawling back to his fan base on his knees while simultaneously picketing outside of the Heroes studio. Apparently he has super powers, too.

Actually, Kring is striking with the writers, but he did pour out apologizes on top of apologizes for the way the first section of Heroes turned out. In an interview with EW, the entertainment equivalent of the oracle at Delphi, he admitted to all of the flaws that Steve and I pointed out (inter-five, Steve). Among the concessions:

1) Slow start, lack of action, illegal immigrants
2) Sucky powers of the illegal immigrants
3) A soap opera within a show, taking place in Japan
4) A real creeper named West
5) Not enough Kristen Bell

Kring did assure EW and his ego that having dealt with the problems, the show would now get back to its apocalyptic roots; more action, less romance, and no more twins. Yes; Kring made some not so subtle comments, saying that a few of the new heroes would be exiting shortly. I can only hope their death is as painful as their powers.

Some important news was revealed, as Kring said that the Dec. 3 episode has been modified to act as a season finale (uh, excuse me, volume finale), in light of the writers strike. Here's to a third issue with no more high school.

Battlestar + Mass Effect =

I like to backup many of my assertions about science fiction with hard science fact, and so here it is. Back in June, scientists fielded an impromtu question about the results of combining the greatest television show ever, Battlestar Galatica, with what will prove to be the greatest video game, Mass Effect. After several minutes of whispering, the scientists answered that they did not know, but they guesstimated that it might look like look like all the worst parts of the Bible, but with a positive spin. Four of the five then voiced their opinion on Trident gum.

Well, these scientists are about to find out.

Battlestar Galatica and Mass Effect are like the two hottest kids in school, who realize their position and agree that there's no other option than to start dating. In a move that the Bible predicts will trumpet the second coming of Jesus, Mass Effect is funding big screen showings of the new Battlestar movie, Battlestar: Razor, in several cities around the states.

There are so many things I want to say, I just don't know in what order to put them. Relevance? Importance? Alphabetical?

First, there are only two things that could improve Battlestar: like the Sith, no more, no less. One, if Kristen Bell joined the cast, but two, if it could be seen on a gigantic screen and receive the grandeur that it deserves (and if Gaeta came out of the closet; that would just be ironic).

Second, Mass Effect is the godsend of games, coming just in time to save console gaming from imminent death. You may say, console gaming is no where near imminent death. Well, after you see the new levels of gaming Mass Effect unlocks (with no cheat codes), you will remember this time we're living in as the brink of a gaming famine. Some diplomats discussed sending Mass Effect to Africa, but then decided against it, citing that without any world problems they wouldn't have jobs.

Third, in case you haven't been watching (and I'm talking to you, Steve, since you're the only one reading), the Battlestar webisodes have been blazing a virtual trail that has shut down servers and served justice to several internet criminals in the past couple of weeks. I'm talking about the two minute pieces concerning a young (and blue eyed?) Adama, as he carries out his first mission, beats a Cylon to death, and discovers the cast of the 1978 Battlestar Galatica, along with their Cylon model battlebots. Is that Leoben behind the mysterious, blood covered door? Steve, you and I will have to wait until Friday to find out.

Hopefully there's a crossover project planned for sometime late next year, where you get to save humanity as Helo and sucker punch Felix Gaeta (Cylon sympathetic trout!).

Heroes is the Dollar General equivalent to Lost

Yes, I think if we can all agree that Heroes is, in fact, the Dollar General equivalent to Lost (which might be, say, Target), then we can enjoy the show that much more. In fact, if we graded all television by this, it would all be much more enjoyable. Battlestar Galatica would be Wal-Mart, and Stargate would be the Dollar Tree, where each item costs exactly the same. Yet I digress.

Heroes, despite being the Dollar General brand, was actually okay last night. It took several months for the producers to put forth another episode that didn't suck, but they managed to do it, ironically after the WGA strike. Maybe they were hoarding their good scripts.

Yes, Heroes finally brought both the storylines and the timelines together, making a much more interesting show than the "Hiro Nakamura Variety Hour." Plus, there were no twins OR road trips involved, and therefore no one's power sucked. Bad. The twins' power sucks bad.

Hiro's adventure wrapped nicely, despite an ending that has appeared in numerous westerns and, before that, epic poems so old that no one knows who wrote them. Sometimes, I like to write myself into the show, whenever it moves slow, and during the duel between Hiro and Kensei I wrote myself in as a character who appears and punches both samurai in the face. But, when it comes to Heroes, I've learned to forget the bad (because there's so much) and focus on the good. Hiro's back in the present. And...um...oh yeah, Takezo Kensei is freaking Adam Morton! And here I was insulting the plot lines of Heroes.

In other news, Mohinder is a terrible double-agent, Matt became a man (in a single episode), Peter left his girlfriend in the post-apocolypic future, HRG came close to beating his children, and West is still a creeper. Actually, West might have creeped further than he's ever creeped before.

Next week is the obligatory time warp episode, which I can't knock, because precedent has shown that these are the best episodes. Cross our fingers for more Kristen Bell.

Let's hope that the story surrounding the company, Adam Morton, and all those mystery thingies return. And let's hope Kristen Bell returns.

Look, it's Lectio Difficilior

To me, Lectio Difficilior is a robot super hero, created to save man from himself (not Lectio's self, man's self). I never understood how men could be superheroes: their just men, like everyone else. That's why comic books always covered aliens or mutations. So Lectio is probably a robot. At least that's what I think of.

Lectio difficilior is a term in classical translation that operates on the basic idea that the more complicated and weird a manuscript is, the closer it is to the original. Manuscripts don't get more complicated over time; they are simplified, as scholars make contractions and correct errors and sometimes even illustrate (The Illiad - Now with seven pages of color photographs!).

When I heard the term, I knew it had to be a superhero. Superhero names can get pretty bland, but come one: this one sounds like the Latin name for the Terminator. I even wrote a poem about it, which will go into my anthology, "Darn You, Iambic Pentameter," which in turn will go into a hot fire that I will build. It goes:

Look, its Lectio Difficilior.
Please, come save us, robot super hero.
We humans are lost, willy nilly, or
Now set to implode, like little Neros.
Come, with your super strength and grappling hooks
Appear, armed with your quad lasers and such
Something more certain than truth found in books.
You are a savior we can feel and touch.
But even Lectio can’t dam our sins;
Wielding his brand of justice makes it worse.
He fills a niche like new wine in old skins:
His help will only expedite our burst.
And yet without him to save the day,
I am confident there remains a Way.

See how easy it is to write poetry? You just have to count syllables.

I love sonnets (and yet I still deface them) because of the turn, where the application is. And the robot superhero is no exception. Lectio difficilior reminds me of my spiritual walk. Too much do I try to overcomplicate salvation and religion. Too much do I unconsciously try to practice penance, or try to schedule and chart my spiritual growth. But in reality it is simple. Jesus's blood covers my sins. That's it.

So I want this blog to be a simplification of my spiritual walk, for me and for my one reader, Steve. So, here's to you Steve. Internet high five. Inter-five.