BSG: A Brief Course

This one's for Joe Kane.

I like to backup my assertions about science fiction with hard science fact, so here it goes. In June, at a summit of the brightest minds on the face and body of the Earth, on a summit of a mountain, no less, a panel of scientists were asked what would happen in the final season of the television show Battlestar Galatica. After several hours discussion, the scientists admitted they had no clue, but they could guesstimate that it would look like all the worst parts of the Bible, but with a positive spin. Four of the five then voiced their opinion on Trident Gum.

Well, those scientists are about to find out.

This Friday, April 4th, Battlestar returns in its fourth and final season, going down in a blaze of glory after NBC told it to can itself. But Battlestar cannot be canned. Nay, it cannot be contained, because it is the greatest form of entertainment ever since Plato's Cave, and arguably better than that, because even Plato wasn't so high on that concept. It is certainly the best thing you'll ever see, so sit down and listen up.

The producers took a sheet out of LOST's playbook (unfortunately, said sheet didn't have any spoilers) and spliced up all three previous seasons into one eight minute short, found here on YouTube. They actually used the same narrator as the LOST promo, with the same deadpan (thank you, anonymous narrator, for pointing out that papers have no corners in the future).

In the past week, I've taken it upon myself to watch half of the 22 episode long third season, in order to give a full account and be well read, in a sense, before the final opener. So:

FINAL FIVE: The big one. There's twelve Cylon models, we only know seven, blah blah blah - in the previous finale, however, we found out four of the final five: Cheif, Anders, Tori, and Tigh, all of which scream irony, because they are all so vocal about their Cylon hatred. The real question is how Cylony are they? As opposed to many copies, there seems to be only one of each. In D'Anna's vision of the Final Five, they seemed more like demigods than Cylon brethren. So, yes, they're still good. They're meant to lead the humans to Earth.

FINAL FIFTH: The really big one. There's still one Cylon left, and undoubtedly he/she/it is the trump card of fate. I'm ruling out Adama - possibly Roslin, the dying president, merely because she is that dying leader who will take her people to the promised land. Sounds like someone's fulfilling their fate/programming...but the next robot is certainly not Starbuck.

STARBUCK: Not dead. Even though she died in the latter half of season three, she came back at the end, during the crescendo of Dylan's All Along the Watchtower (because, obviously, that's the Cylon theme song). She promised she had been to Earth, and would take the humans to their new home. Is she the fifth Cylon? Certainly not. Too easy. No, we're getting into some sort of metaphysical territory here. Angel/Spirit/Super intelligent shade of blue?

EARTH: Last shot of the last episode was that of Earth, or more specifically, America, because that's pretty much Earth in a nutshell. What time period will it be when the fleet arrives? Hopefully not present day, because that would be a cheese factory, and would only serve to date and hamper the Greatest Show on Earth (Not Under a Big Top). I think it will be primordial Earth, and the fleet will serve as our ancestors. Or something along those lines.

EVERYONE ELSE: Baltar's now a cult leader, Apollo's now a civilian, Adama and Roslin are now about to hook up like old people, and Helo's even yet still awesome.

MANNIE FRESH: As with LOST, rumors of a guest appearance as the Fifth have proven not 

true, and so with small powers of deduction one can assume he will not be performing his hit single, "Real Big," with all the pimps and hos of the fleet.

Friday, April 4th. Be there, or be a Cylon collaborator. And we wouldn't want that.