LOST: A Brief Course

As everyone in the world knows, because the Pope himself announced (I heard it in person - I'm in Rome, you know), the new season of LOST will be able to be seen from outer space. I'm not sure in what capacity, but he is inerrant. And I don't really care, either, because if aliens  haven't yet made contact, LOST is how I want them to first experience humanity. They'll be so confused they won't bother attacking us.

So I'm here to spread the gospel, and call all ye to watch it return January 31. If you only have 8:15, go download the "LOST in 8:15" on iTunes for free (8:15, flight 815, ha ha, they're so clever). It gives a quick rundown of all the important events with some dry narration ("Mr. Friendly throws like a girl.") It even mentions some things I had forgotten, as if pertinent to the new season. It said nothing, though, of Richard's supposed immortality.

If you have more time, watch the entire third season. On fast forward.

Here are some points to review:

RESCUED: So at the end of the third season, rescue is on it's way, and by the looks of the previews, it arrives immediately. The question is, then, how are the next three seasons going to be filled? There are three more seasons to go; will the show turn to a Big Brother type, and put everyone in a house together, and play it as comedy?

FLASHFORWARD: I have read that all the flashbacks LOST is so famous for will now be flash forwards. So...how will a story work if we know the ending? And what about all the favorite flashback characters, like Nathan Fillon and Cheech? (P.S. The funeral Jack attended - Locke's. Locke would be the least likely to survive off island, and it would just be ironic if he was one of those who left.)

NAOMI: NOT dead. If you slow down the trailer, you can clearly see her strangling Kate. She's pretty, and has a hot accent, so my guess is she'll be the shady figure in this upcoming season, alternately helping and hindering those who are lost.

LOST's premise is people on an island, so any chance you have to incorporate new blood, you need to take it. Second season it was the tail-enders, third season it was the others. They tried to call up two extras to join those on the beach, but audience reaction was so completely negative that the two, Nikki and Paolo, got their own episode. About their death.

RICHARD: Seen in Ben's flashback, he never grows old. And seeing how Ben grew old, I think this means that Richard is immortal. My question: Is Richard Jacob? Jacob, the supposed ruler of the island, seems trapped by Ben. Maybe Richard is some enslaved materialization, a body stolen from the crashed pirate ship.

MANNIE FRESH: The rapper will not be appearing on the show, as rumored, as one of the new rescue teammates, and thus will not be performing his hit single, "Real Big," with all the pimps and hos of the beach. Among the disappointed, I count myself.

So there it is. I crave LOST like Italians crave dance, like I crave dance, so I'll be watching it ASAP, which will probably mean February first. So don't tell me what happens.